T & A

This weekend is the 2006 Miss Universe pageant. 86 countries, 172 lovely breasts, 1 planet held in rapture. We’re on the verge of global conflict, but that doesn’t mean we can’t declare a temporary truce to recognize how smokin’ hot these ladies are. Because, folks, there’s only one thing that truly unites mankind: the objectification of womankind. Pure girl-on-girl competition between women who represent everything that is beautiful about their countries, thus allowing us to forget the depressing parts.

Take, for example, Miss China. She may hail from a country where 100,000 baby girls vanish every year, and the girls who do grow up live in an oppressive, dissonant, crushing regime, but watch her strut across that stage, and you’ll have your own uprising to put down.

Folks, Miss Universe is the rare event that can soothe even the most vicious, enduring tensions. It’s a time when anyone, be they fundamentalist Muslim or fundamentalist Jew, can sit together at the table of peace, and agree that these women should be ritually stoned.

So, just for this week, let’s stop worrying about the conflict between Israel and Lebanon and focus instead on the competition between Miss Israel and Miss Lebanon. I think we can all agree that’s one battle where everyone’s a winner.