Uncool

That’s what you’ll be if you submit yourself to this vaccine. Why would anyone want to stop smoking? Smoking has great health benefits. Just ask any doctor.

Besides, folks, I’m against vaccines. I think we should get rid of them. Especially the ones the Health-Qaeda push on our kids. Nobody gets rubella or polio anymore. Why are we wasting our time and money vaccinating our kids against them?

But, the main reason I don’t like vaccines is that most of them work by injecting you with antibodies someone or something else produced: “Oh, I’ll just let Rat number 253 develop polio, and then I’ll take a hit off of that serum when he’s through!” Anyone with any guts would face those viruses one-on-one.

Besides, the last time I checked, smoking’s not a disease. It’s a consumer choice. So, there’s nothing to cure. And the only thing this vaccine will get rid of is the tobacco industry: perfectly legal companies that produce only one thing: smooth flavor.

What this vaccine is really trying to eliminate is not a disease, it’s free market capitalism. Are we going to start making vaccines for other popular products? A patch that keeps me from turtle waxing my car? Are we going to produce a nasal spray to help my kids kick the juice-box habit? Or, maybe we should make a chewing gum that will keep me from chewing gum.

If you ask me, instead of attacking the tobacco industry, doctors should fight something we want to get rid of, like lung cancer. Why isn’t anybody working on that? Have you seen the numbers? They’re out of control! We have got to find the root causes.

In the meantime, keep your vaccines to yourself, Doctor Buzzkill. You’re not going to make us healthy; you’re just going to make us uncool.

Wikiality

I’m no fan of reality, and I’m no fan of encyclopedias; I’ve said it before. Who is Britannica to tell me that George Washington had slaves? If I want to say he didn’t, that’s my right. And now, thanks to Wikipedia, it’s also a fact.

We should apply these principles to all information. All we need to do is convince a majority of people that some factoid is true. For instance, that Africa has more elephants today than it did 10 years ago. Now, I don’t know if that’s actually true, okay, but if it was true, boy, would that be a real blow to the environmentalists.

As usual, folks, the Bush administration is on the cutting edge of information management. While they’ve admitted that Saddam did not possess weapons of mass destruction, they’ve also insinuated he did possess weapons of mass destruction. Insinuations that have been repeated over and over again on cable news for the past three and a half years. And now, the result is 18 months ago, only 36 percent of Americans believed it, but 50 percent of Americans believe it now! Man, that number’s growing almost as fast as the population of African elephants, which is exploding, by the way. I heard that somewhere.

Now, what we’re doing is bringing democracy to knowledge. Now, the Blame Ignorance First crowd is going to say that something is either true or it isn’t, and it doesn’t matter how many people agree. But, if you had taken a class on astronomy before Galileo, and you said the earth went around the sun, you would have been flunked.

See, if you go against what the majority of people perceive to be reality, you’re the one who’s crazy! Nation, it’s time we use the power of our numbers for a real internet revolution. We’re going to stampede across the web like that giant horde of elephants in Africa. In fact, that’s where we can start. Find the page on elephants on Wikipedia and create an entry that says the number of elephants has tripled in the last six months. It’s the least we can do to save this noble beast.

Together, we can create a reality that we can all agree on: the reality we just agreed on.

Secretary-General Bolton

The best way to judge John Bolton is by listening to what those who have worked with have to say, like the Swiss ambassador, who says Bolton’s efforts are “oriented not at improving the United Nations, but at belittling and weakening it.” Or the ambassador from Peru, who says, “He lives in another world, with this belief that he is morally superior.” Or, Press Secretary Tony Snow, who just today said Bolton is “building alliances on a range of issues.” They’re all right. Ambassador Bolton is building alliances. He’s bringing the whole world together in their opposition to him.

Folks, that is why Bolton should not only be confirmed, the U.N. should give him the top job. Kofi Annan’s leaving the U.N. December 31. And, you know, I can’t think of anyone better to replace him.

Let’s face it: for better or even better, we run the world. Giving us the U.N. Secretary Generalship just makes it official. Plus, the U.N. has a lot of problems, and Bolton’s got some very interesting ideas on how to fix it. He once said, “There is no such thing as the United Nations.” And, he also said if the U.N. secretary building in New York lost ten stories, it would not make a bit of difference. That is bold leadership that builds morale.

You see, if you destroy an institution, logically, it no longer has any problems. You don’t hear about Enron having problems anymore. Ken Lay and Jeff Skilling solved that. Same thing if we get rid of the U.N. And, for America, it’s win-win. We won’t have to pay off our billion-dollar debt. We also won’t have to listen to what any other countries have to say.

So, the U.N. general assembly, I say let John Bolton bring you together! By tearing you apart.

Democrazy

Now, folks, there was a time when I thought the key to Middle East peace was representative government. But then, democracy gives us a prime minister who sides with Hezbollah, an Iranian president who wants to go nuclear, and a Palestinian government controlled by Hamas.

So, now, I’m thinking maybe we did the wrong thing. And I don’t mean invading Iraq to take out Saddam. We had to do that! He was a madman bent on world domination, worse than Hitler, an imminent threat to our nation! I’m just saying maybe we should bring him back.

Now, hear me out. Hear me out! The Middle East is a mess! But you know, it’s not our fault. We’re too nice. We’re too nice to hold the region together. We need someone who will kick some ass. And folks, Saddam’s crazy! Even the Iranians were afraid of him. Put him back in the game, and we can play good cop-bad cop.

Here’s the deal. We say to Middle Eastern countries, “You can deal with us, or you can deal with a madman with a moustache.” Think about it. The last time Saddam was in power, the US brokered peace between Israel and Palestine. And, Iran bought our missiles!

Now, I am sure Saddam will be into it. The guy’s chomping at the bit! And, folks, we know we can work with him. Just ask Rumsfeld. President Bush has made it clear that the best way out of a crisis is strong, unquestioned leadership. Well, say what you want about Saddam – he’s a strong leader.

So, let’s whip him into shape. Let’s feed Saddam some Pat Robertson age-defying protein pancakes. Then, we’ll clean him up, tag him, fit him with one of those radio collars, and release him back into the palace.

Next thing you know, we’re back to a 90s-era détente between evil, crazy, Middle Eastern leaders. Those were the days. We have got to do it. The Middle East is a mess. We’re in it, and there’s no way democracy can help get us out.

Opposite Day

Sorry for the late post - Blogspot wasn't working.


Folks, President Bush doesn’t read polls. He has never cared if he wins popularity contests. And you know, that’s a good thing because he’s tremendously unpopular. His poll numbers are so low that other politicians are now no longer afraid to disagree with him. In fact, now they’ll disagree with anything he says, and that’s a great advantage. The President must harness the fundamental power of his unpopularity.

To get the policy he wants, all he has to do is promote the opposite. Take gay marriage. Right now, he’s trying to ban gay marriage by banning it. If he really wants to ban it, he should be for it. I’m picturing the President officiating a marriage ceremony between George Michael and Harvey Fierstein during the Superbowl Halftime Show. If he did that, gay marriage would not only be outlawed, but the penalty would be unthinkably harsh.

And you know, folks, the President has come out strongly for a constitutional amendment banning flag burning. From the way he’s trying to stop it, you’d think he was for it. To get the flag burning amendment through, the President should just propose that we run our cars on burning flags. That’s a twofer. Americans would automatically reject burning flags and alternative fuels.

Finally, Mr. President, Iraq’s in a civil war. A lot of people want to bring the troops home. You say you’re going to bring them home, and everyone will panic and keep them there. No, forget that. It’s too big of a risk. You could end up with a civil war in Iraq and our troops back home. And that would be bad.

Moral Minority

Ralph Reed helped build a mighty Republican Christian machine that swung the country for George Bush in 2000 and 2004. To preserve Christian values, he brought innovative, new ideas. In fact, he’s the embodiment of Christian values, like ‘love thy neighbor.’ Ralph’s neighbor is Jack Abramoff.

And, when he came upon Abramoff along the side of the road, he did what any good Samaritan would do: he took $4 million of an Indian tribe’s money and gave it to an anti-gambling Christian group to shut down a competing tribe’s casino. But, first, he laundered that money. He laundered it through a bogus charity. Well, bogus or not, it’s one of the Christian virtues.

And, Ralph Reed is also very humble. He never said a public word about this casino deal. Ralph’s whole career, in fact, has been built on the Golden Rule. But, in this race, that wasn’t enough, and that says something terrible about voters.

It’s too late for you to elect Ralph Reed, but you can elect his values, by voting for candidates like North Carolina representative Charles Taylor, who earned an A on the Christian Coalition’s voting scorecard. And now, he’s taking heat just because he threw the moneylenders out of the temple. Okay, the official allegation is conspiracy to commit bank fraud, but that’s just semantics.

Or, Colorado representative Marilyn Musgrave. The Christian Coalition gave her a perfect score, and now this good woman is being accused of running her campaign out of her official office, which is illegal. She explained that she was just running it out of the same building, in suite 777. Her critics point out that there is no suite 777 in that building, but the truth is, it’s just that non-believers can’t see it.

These are but two of hundreds of examples of candidates fighting for our Christian values. I don’t have time to name them all. But, folks, it’s crucial that we support them in memory of the political career of Ralph Reed. If we don’t, Republicans could lose control of Congress.

Nazis

Last week marked the 70th anniversary of the famous 1936 German referendum where, weeks after invading the Rhineland, Adolph Hitler received a staggering 99 percent approval rating. 99 percent thought he was on the right track. And today, there is one thing everyone, Democrat or Republican, left or right, agrees about: There is no one worse than Hitler. And with his approval ratings at a new low, President Bush is just proving, once and for all, that he's the President least like Hitler.

Let's compare Bush to another president. Not on the Approval Scale, but on the Hitler Scale. With an approval rating of 99 percent, on the Hitler Scale, Hitler himself scores one full Hitler. John F. Kennedy had an approval rating of 63 percent. Pretty good, for a Nazi. He scores two-thirds of a Hitler.

But, in these recent polls, President Bush barely scores one-third of a Hitler. You don't get any more less Hitler than that. And folks, it takes courage to be this little like Hitler. It takes a real leader to continue policies the vast majority of Americans clearly want to stop!

The President's going to keep doing his job: invading countries preemptively, maintaining secret programs to monitor citizens, and ignoring any attempt Congress may make to curtail his executive powers. And America, you've got to keep doing your job: disapproving of what the President does. Not only will this prove he's not Hitler, it will prove we're not Nazis.

The Word

This post will be regularly updated as I add more Words to this blog. Ignore the date on this entry (I think it will forever be July 24, even if I update it every day).

The current transcriptions on Colbert Commentary are the following:

Truthiness
T & A
Solidarity
R-E-S-P-E-C-T
Nazis
Moral Minority
Opposite Day

If there are any that you would like to see here, please let me know.