Democrazy

Now, folks, there was a time when I thought the key to Middle East peace was representative government. But then, democracy gives us a prime minister who sides with Hezbollah, an Iranian president who wants to go nuclear, and a Palestinian government controlled by Hamas.

So, now, I’m thinking maybe we did the wrong thing. And I don’t mean invading Iraq to take out Saddam. We had to do that! He was a madman bent on world domination, worse than Hitler, an imminent threat to our nation! I’m just saying maybe we should bring him back.

Now, hear me out. Hear me out! The Middle East is a mess! But you know, it’s not our fault. We’re too nice. We’re too nice to hold the region together. We need someone who will kick some ass. And folks, Saddam’s crazy! Even the Iranians were afraid of him. Put him back in the game, and we can play good cop-bad cop.

Here’s the deal. We say to Middle Eastern countries, “You can deal with us, or you can deal with a madman with a moustache.” Think about it. The last time Saddam was in power, the US brokered peace between Israel and Palestine. And, Iran bought our missiles!

Now, I am sure Saddam will be into it. The guy’s chomping at the bit! And, folks, we know we can work with him. Just ask Rumsfeld. President Bush has made it clear that the best way out of a crisis is strong, unquestioned leadership. Well, say what you want about Saddam – he’s a strong leader.

So, let’s whip him into shape. Let’s feed Saddam some Pat Robertson age-defying protein pancakes. Then, we’ll clean him up, tag him, fit him with one of those radio collars, and release him back into the palace.

Next thing you know, we’re back to a 90s-era détente between evil, crazy, Middle Eastern leaders. Those were the days. We have got to do it. The Middle East is a mess. We’re in it, and there’s no way democracy can help get us out.