Uncool

That’s what you’ll be if you submit yourself to this vaccine. Why would anyone want to stop smoking? Smoking has great health benefits. Just ask any doctor.

Besides, folks, I’m against vaccines. I think we should get rid of them. Especially the ones the Health-Qaeda push on our kids. Nobody gets rubella or polio anymore. Why are we wasting our time and money vaccinating our kids against them?

But, the main reason I don’t like vaccines is that most of them work by injecting you with antibodies someone or something else produced: “Oh, I’ll just let Rat number 253 develop polio, and then I’ll take a hit off of that serum when he’s through!” Anyone with any guts would face those viruses one-on-one.

Besides, the last time I checked, smoking’s not a disease. It’s a consumer choice. So, there’s nothing to cure. And the only thing this vaccine will get rid of is the tobacco industry: perfectly legal companies that produce only one thing: smooth flavor.

What this vaccine is really trying to eliminate is not a disease, it’s free market capitalism. Are we going to start making vaccines for other popular products? A patch that keeps me from turtle waxing my car? Are we going to produce a nasal spray to help my kids kick the juice-box habit? Or, maybe we should make a chewing gum that will keep me from chewing gum.

If you ask me, instead of attacking the tobacco industry, doctors should fight something we want to get rid of, like lung cancer. Why isn’t anybody working on that? Have you seen the numbers? They’re out of control! We have got to find the root causes.

In the meantime, keep your vaccines to yourself, Doctor Buzzkill. You’re not going to make us healthy; you’re just going to make us uncool.

Wikiality

I’m no fan of reality, and I’m no fan of encyclopedias; I’ve said it before. Who is Britannica to tell me that George Washington had slaves? If I want to say he didn’t, that’s my right. And now, thanks to Wikipedia, it’s also a fact.

We should apply these principles to all information. All we need to do is convince a majority of people that some factoid is true. For instance, that Africa has more elephants today than it did 10 years ago. Now, I don’t know if that’s actually true, okay, but if it was true, boy, would that be a real blow to the environmentalists.

As usual, folks, the Bush administration is on the cutting edge of information management. While they’ve admitted that Saddam did not possess weapons of mass destruction, they’ve also insinuated he did possess weapons of mass destruction. Insinuations that have been repeated over and over again on cable news for the past three and a half years. And now, the result is 18 months ago, only 36 percent of Americans believed it, but 50 percent of Americans believe it now! Man, that number’s growing almost as fast as the population of African elephants, which is exploding, by the way. I heard that somewhere.

Now, what we’re doing is bringing democracy to knowledge. Now, the Blame Ignorance First crowd is going to say that something is either true or it isn’t, and it doesn’t matter how many people agree. But, if you had taken a class on astronomy before Galileo, and you said the earth went around the sun, you would have been flunked.

See, if you go against what the majority of people perceive to be reality, you’re the one who’s crazy! Nation, it’s time we use the power of our numbers for a real internet revolution. We’re going to stampede across the web like that giant horde of elephants in Africa. In fact, that’s where we can start. Find the page on elephants on Wikipedia and create an entry that says the number of elephants has tripled in the last six months. It’s the least we can do to save this noble beast.

Together, we can create a reality that we can all agree on: the reality we just agreed on.