Secretary-General Bolton

The best way to judge John Bolton is by listening to what those who have worked with have to say, like the Swiss ambassador, who says Bolton’s efforts are “oriented not at improving the United Nations, but at belittling and weakening it.” Or the ambassador from Peru, who says, “He lives in another world, with this belief that he is morally superior.” Or, Press Secretary Tony Snow, who just today said Bolton is “building alliances on a range of issues.” They’re all right. Ambassador Bolton is building alliances. He’s bringing the whole world together in their opposition to him.

Folks, that is why Bolton should not only be confirmed, the U.N. should give him the top job. Kofi Annan’s leaving the U.N. December 31. And, you know, I can’t think of anyone better to replace him.

Let’s face it: for better or even better, we run the world. Giving us the U.N. Secretary Generalship just makes it official. Plus, the U.N. has a lot of problems, and Bolton’s got some very interesting ideas on how to fix it. He once said, “There is no such thing as the United Nations.” And, he also said if the U.N. secretary building in New York lost ten stories, it would not make a bit of difference. That is bold leadership that builds morale.

You see, if you destroy an institution, logically, it no longer has any problems. You don’t hear about Enron having problems anymore. Ken Lay and Jeff Skilling solved that. Same thing if we get rid of the U.N. And, for America, it’s win-win. We won’t have to pay off our billion-dollar debt. We also won’t have to listen to what any other countries have to say.

So, the U.N. general assembly, I say let John Bolton bring you together! By tearing you apart.

Democrazy

Now, folks, there was a time when I thought the key to Middle East peace was representative government. But then, democracy gives us a prime minister who sides with Hezbollah, an Iranian president who wants to go nuclear, and a Palestinian government controlled by Hamas.

So, now, I’m thinking maybe we did the wrong thing. And I don’t mean invading Iraq to take out Saddam. We had to do that! He was a madman bent on world domination, worse than Hitler, an imminent threat to our nation! I’m just saying maybe we should bring him back.

Now, hear me out. Hear me out! The Middle East is a mess! But you know, it’s not our fault. We’re too nice. We’re too nice to hold the region together. We need someone who will kick some ass. And folks, Saddam’s crazy! Even the Iranians were afraid of him. Put him back in the game, and we can play good cop-bad cop.

Here’s the deal. We say to Middle Eastern countries, “You can deal with us, or you can deal with a madman with a moustache.” Think about it. The last time Saddam was in power, the US brokered peace between Israel and Palestine. And, Iran bought our missiles!

Now, I am sure Saddam will be into it. The guy’s chomping at the bit! And, folks, we know we can work with him. Just ask Rumsfeld. President Bush has made it clear that the best way out of a crisis is strong, unquestioned leadership. Well, say what you want about Saddam – he’s a strong leader.

So, let’s whip him into shape. Let’s feed Saddam some Pat Robertson age-defying protein pancakes. Then, we’ll clean him up, tag him, fit him with one of those radio collars, and release him back into the palace.

Next thing you know, we’re back to a 90s-era détente between evil, crazy, Middle Eastern leaders. Those were the days. We have got to do it. The Middle East is a mess. We’re in it, and there’s no way democracy can help get us out.

Opposite Day

Sorry for the late post - Blogspot wasn't working.


Folks, President Bush doesn’t read polls. He has never cared if he wins popularity contests. And you know, that’s a good thing because he’s tremendously unpopular. His poll numbers are so low that other politicians are now no longer afraid to disagree with him. In fact, now they’ll disagree with anything he says, and that’s a great advantage. The President must harness the fundamental power of his unpopularity.

To get the policy he wants, all he has to do is promote the opposite. Take gay marriage. Right now, he’s trying to ban gay marriage by banning it. If he really wants to ban it, he should be for it. I’m picturing the President officiating a marriage ceremony between George Michael and Harvey Fierstein during the Superbowl Halftime Show. If he did that, gay marriage would not only be outlawed, but the penalty would be unthinkably harsh.

And you know, folks, the President has come out strongly for a constitutional amendment banning flag burning. From the way he’s trying to stop it, you’d think he was for it. To get the flag burning amendment through, the President should just propose that we run our cars on burning flags. That’s a twofer. Americans would automatically reject burning flags and alternative fuels.

Finally, Mr. President, Iraq’s in a civil war. A lot of people want to bring the troops home. You say you’re going to bring them home, and everyone will panic and keep them there. No, forget that. It’s too big of a risk. You could end up with a civil war in Iraq and our troops back home. And that would be bad.

Moral Minority

Ralph Reed helped build a mighty Republican Christian machine that swung the country for George Bush in 2000 and 2004. To preserve Christian values, he brought innovative, new ideas. In fact, he’s the embodiment of Christian values, like ‘love thy neighbor.’ Ralph’s neighbor is Jack Abramoff.

And, when he came upon Abramoff along the side of the road, he did what any good Samaritan would do: he took $4 million of an Indian tribe’s money and gave it to an anti-gambling Christian group to shut down a competing tribe’s casino. But, first, he laundered that money. He laundered it through a bogus charity. Well, bogus or not, it’s one of the Christian virtues.

And, Ralph Reed is also very humble. He never said a public word about this casino deal. Ralph’s whole career, in fact, has been built on the Golden Rule. But, in this race, that wasn’t enough, and that says something terrible about voters.

It’s too late for you to elect Ralph Reed, but you can elect his values, by voting for candidates like North Carolina representative Charles Taylor, who earned an A on the Christian Coalition’s voting scorecard. And now, he’s taking heat just because he threw the moneylenders out of the temple. Okay, the official allegation is conspiracy to commit bank fraud, but that’s just semantics.

Or, Colorado representative Marilyn Musgrave. The Christian Coalition gave her a perfect score, and now this good woman is being accused of running her campaign out of her official office, which is illegal. She explained that she was just running it out of the same building, in suite 777. Her critics point out that there is no suite 777 in that building, but the truth is, it’s just that non-believers can’t see it.

These are but two of hundreds of examples of candidates fighting for our Christian values. I don’t have time to name them all. But, folks, it’s crucial that we support them in memory of the political career of Ralph Reed. If we don’t, Republicans could lose control of Congress.

Nazis

Last week marked the 70th anniversary of the famous 1936 German referendum where, weeks after invading the Rhineland, Adolph Hitler received a staggering 99 percent approval rating. 99 percent thought he was on the right track. And today, there is one thing everyone, Democrat or Republican, left or right, agrees about: There is no one worse than Hitler. And with his approval ratings at a new low, President Bush is just proving, once and for all, that he's the President least like Hitler.

Let's compare Bush to another president. Not on the Approval Scale, but on the Hitler Scale. With an approval rating of 99 percent, on the Hitler Scale, Hitler himself scores one full Hitler. John F. Kennedy had an approval rating of 63 percent. Pretty good, for a Nazi. He scores two-thirds of a Hitler.

But, in these recent polls, President Bush barely scores one-third of a Hitler. You don't get any more less Hitler than that. And folks, it takes courage to be this little like Hitler. It takes a real leader to continue policies the vast majority of Americans clearly want to stop!

The President's going to keep doing his job: invading countries preemptively, maintaining secret programs to monitor citizens, and ignoring any attempt Congress may make to curtail his executive powers. And America, you've got to keep doing your job: disapproving of what the President does. Not only will this prove he's not Hitler, it will prove we're not Nazis.

The Word

This post will be regularly updated as I add more Words to this blog. Ignore the date on this entry (I think it will forever be July 24, even if I update it every day).

The current transcriptions on Colbert Commentary are the following:

Truthiness
T & A
Solidarity
R-E-S-P-E-C-T
Nazis
Moral Minority
Opposite Day

If there are any that you would like to see here, please let me know.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Why don’t you give it to Bush, NAACP? African Americans have never shown the President much love. Right after Katrina, his approval rating among blacks was two percent. Kanye West went so far as to say that George Bush doesn’t care about black people.

Well, folks, nothing could be further from the truth. This is the guy that made Colin Powell the first black secretary of state. Now, I’m something of an authority on race relations because I am on record as having had a black friend. Now, he’s now just my black acquaintance, and we’re addressing the situation.

Anyway, George Bush is no different. But for some reason, African Americans refuse to like him. Now, some will say that it’s because the President is opposed to affirmative action, against raising the minimum wage, his 2000 campaign disenfranchised black voters in Florida, and when Hurricane Katrina struck, his administration could have done more.

But, you know, Martin Luther King had a dream. A dream that one day a man would be judged not by the color of his skin, but by the content of his character. King didn’t say anything about the wisdom of his policies. Look, NAACP, you don’t like George W. Bush because he never does anything for you, but he never does anything for you because you don’t like him. It’s a vicious circle. Somebody has to back down, and I’m telling you, it’s not going to be the President.

I hate to say it, NAACP, but you’re prejudiced. You’re prejudging the President solely based on what he’s done. But he could change. I mean, I’m sure there are aspects of the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People that the President agrees with. So, give him a chance. You don’t need to agree with him, you don’t need to like him. All he’s asking is for a little respect.

Solidarity

As in, me and all my management buddies are in solidarity about hating unions. I mean, what has a union ever done for anybody anyway? Absolutely nothing. That’s why these hospitals are trying to save these nurses the hassle of collective bargaining by giving them something they really need: a new title. Supervisors, because once the nurses are categorized as supervisors, they will be ineligible to join a union.

And nurses, why would you want to? You’re not labor anymore. There’s no more of the boss man asking you to put in a little overtime this weekend. No, you’ll be the boss! Plus, you’ll be getting all sorts of perks. You’ll get a new nameplate, new business cards, and a newfound respect.

Now, if the National Labor Relations Board approves these forced promotions, we can make everyone in America a supervisor. Now, some of you are going to ask me, ‘Stephen, how can everyone in the country be a supervisor? There’ll be no one left to supervise.’

Well, folks, it’s simple. The CEO will supervise the office manager, the office manager will supervise the janitor, and the janitor will supervise the CEO. That way, they’re all equal.

It’s the great circle of life, like the nitrogen cycle. The cow is the economy, and the workers are grass, which the cow eats and digests, and then the workers are pooped back onto the playing field, and management is…riding the cow? I don’t…uh…

The point is you can’t unionize! It’ll kill the cow.

But making every worker a supervisor will actually stimulate the cow. As management, you’re expected to have a very professional-looking desk, loaded with professional-looking stuff. You got stress balls, miniature zen gardens, and putting greens. Think of all the people this will employ.

But, we can’t do this alone. Folks, it is time for management and labor to put aside their differences and come together as management to exploit labor.

T & A

This weekend is the 2006 Miss Universe pageant. 86 countries, 172 lovely breasts, 1 planet held in rapture. We’re on the verge of global conflict, but that doesn’t mean we can’t declare a temporary truce to recognize how smokin’ hot these ladies are. Because, folks, there’s only one thing that truly unites mankind: the objectification of womankind. Pure girl-on-girl competition between women who represent everything that is beautiful about their countries, thus allowing us to forget the depressing parts.

Take, for example, Miss China. She may hail from a country where 100,000 baby girls vanish every year, and the girls who do grow up live in an oppressive, dissonant, crushing regime, but watch her strut across that stage, and you’ll have your own uprising to put down.

Folks, Miss Universe is the rare event that can soothe even the most vicious, enduring tensions. It’s a time when anyone, be they fundamentalist Muslim or fundamentalist Jew, can sit together at the table of peace, and agree that these women should be ritually stoned.

So, just for this week, let’s stop worrying about the conflict between Israel and Lebanon and focus instead on the competition between Miss Israel and Miss Lebanon. I think we can all agree that’s one battle where everyone’s a winner.

Truthiness

Now I'm sure some of the word police, the 'Wordanistas' over at Webster's are gonna say, 'hey, that's not a word.' Well, anybody who knows me know I'm no fan of dictionaries or reference books. They're elitist for constantly telling us what is and isn't true, what did or didn't happen. Who's Britannica to tell me the Panama Canal was finished in 1914? If I want to say it happened in 1941, that's my right.

I don't trust books. They're all fact, no heart. And that's exactly what's pulling our country apart today. Because face it, folks, we are a divided nation. Not between Democrats and Republicans, conservatives and liberals, or tops and bottoms. No, we are divided between those who think with their head and those who know with their heart.

Consider Harriet Miers. If you think about Harriet Miers, of course her nomination's absurd! But the President didn't say he thought about his selection. He said this:

President Bush: I know her heart.

Notice how he said nothing about her brain? He didn't have to. He feels the truth about Harriet Miers. And what about Iraq? If you think about it, maybe there are a few missing pieces to the rationale for war. But doesn't taking out Saddam feel like the right thing? Right here in the gut?

Because that's where truth comes from, ladies and gentlemen - the gut. Did you know that you have more nerve endings in your stomach than in your head? Look it up.

Now, somebody's going to say, 'I did look that up and it's wrong.' Well, mister, that's because you looked it up in a book. Next time, try looking it up in your gut. I did, and my gut tells me that's how our nervous system works. Now, I know some of you may not trust your gut - yet. But with my help, you will.

The truthiness is, anybody can read the news to you. I promise to feel the news at you.

Colbert Commentary

Anyone who watches The Colbert Report has seen The Word, in which Colbert picks a word and rants about it, while bullet points off to his left comment on what he's saying. At this blog, I have transcriptions of The Word, and in place of bullet points, I have links to relevant information. You can only be an it-getter if you get what Colbert is talking about. If you've been confused by The Word, here's your chance to get unconfused.

If there is a Word that I haven't transcribed that you would like to see here, please let me know, and I will work on getting it up.